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Monday, April 03, 2006
hey.
worship yesterday was great. could somewhat feel God speaking to me and by the end of worship, i had more or less made up my mind to share everything i knew with the others, though i was still struggling a little. met up with the others after worship and discussed and prayed for directions. pretty glad i didnt hold back anything because i guess it helped us in our discussion and how we're gonna handle it and the way we're gonna approach the whole matter. i guess this is a pretty good test eh. got rather agitated- if you call it agitated. when i blog, all my vocab goes out the window, not like i have a lot of vocab in the first place. because i just couldnt see what went wrong. this has been done so many years and then now something like this happens. blindness. but i calmed down later. shant reveal too much since i know some read my blog. but since you read my blog, you will read the bottom part too. which is basically my main point.
but im still wondering.
how did it ever come to this?
12 years and you learn how to play politics.
12 years and you learn how to edge people out.
12 years and you learn how to put on a facade.
what will happen when you're 13 years old.
what will happen when you're 14 years old.
what will happen when you're 15 years old.
i cant bear to think about it.
it's really not about you having a "higher status".
it's really not about you having a more "prestigious role".
it's really not about you "being above others".
basic rule: love one another.
has everything youve learnt flown out the window?
but hey. on the flipside of the coin.
we're going to start to make a change.
we're gonna make a change.
we will make a change.
if it's God's will.
hoho im back to myself again! claps hands.
and i killed jw's stressball yesterday. oops. i was playing with it and stretching it and then poof it burst on me. so we had to clean up the floor because it was covered with flour. i have a weird tendency to kill stressballs. maybe i shouldnt touch them next time. yes.
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i shall officially declare my stupidness.
remember my missing gb socks? remember me going all the way down to gbc to buy my socks? remember me moaning and groaning over the loss of my poor socks?
well today i happily wore my new socks and was going to wear my boots when i realised that my feet couldnt fit in. so i looked inside my boots and i screamed. because my socks were happily lying in my boots. so i was like noooo. am i stupid or am i stupid. do i rock or do i rock. sigh.
i realised im married to a lot of things. im married to a thousand and one people, and to my beloved mushroom soup, and to my pick, and today i married tutu! you know the food which has coconut/peanut inside? yeah, jo brought it to school, and then i married it, i mean her but jo ate my beloved wife up! but she always lives in my heart. okay ignore me. this is just pure crap. im just feeling... weird.
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imagine.
you're standing on the edge of a cliff. you edge forward sometimes. you retreat sometimes. you're run the risk of falling off the cliff. you see this rope faintly in the distance, but you will have to leap to grab it. if you grab it, this rope will haul you to greater heights and rest you on solid rock. if you miss it, down you go, falling until you hit a rock and you wake up and you have to drag your feet up and start all over again. but if you dont attempt to leap towards it, one day the cliff which you are standing on will wear off and you will fall.
get my point?
that's where im at now. i dont know whether i should make that leap. on one hand i need it, because i want to be able to get to where i want to be at. but on one hand, there's this great fear of falling. and i dont want to fall, even though eventually i know i will, but somehow dragging on seems to be more attractive. though in real life, it's not.
so either i make the leap. or i dont.
i know i should make the leap.
but i need energy to make the leap.
and somehow my energy seems to be running out gradually.
funny how towards the end my entries seem to get a little well, not so happy.
oh well.
internal struggle.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
